Queer as Everwood
by danosulik
Summary: What if the Everwood characters were on Queer as Folk?
1. Start Here, Silly

Title: Queer as Everwood

Rating: R for language and innuendo

Disclosure: I don't own "Everwood" or "Queer as Folk" or any characters in either, so don't sue.

Warning: parody of "Everwood" **slash** (because I've written some myself); contains weird pairings and other wackiness; set sometime in **future** when all these characters are **adults** (well, except one, but there's a reason for that)

Comments: Come on, you know you want to.

Author's note: The parallels make more sense if you've seen the original British "Queer as Folk" miniseries, which was less, uh, "explicit" because it aired on regular TV rather than cable. Also, Stuart (the British "Brian") was playful, even puckish, and Alexander (the British "Emmett") was jaded and snarky rather than sweet and folksy. Anyway.

***


	2. Intro and Opening Credits

EPHRAM (in Brooklyn T-shirt over long-sleeve shirt, shouting into camera): This is parody! Satire! This would Never! Happen! (Lowers voice to talking volume.) Whatever. (Throws hands up, turns around, storms off set.)

NETWORK ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: "Queer as Everwood" … coming up next.

Cut to logo with slogan: "Snowtime. No logic."

***

SERIES NARRATOR (Sharon Hart's voice because I have absolutely nothing for her to do in this story -- not even say "He's dead, Jim"): Previously on "Queer as Everwood" …

[Cut to living room of house:] 

AMY (hands in air): Whatdotheymeanoursonishyper? WhatdotheymeantheywantustoputhimonRitalin? Icantbelievethis! Whatdothey- 

LAYNIE (right hand raised, palm toward Amy): Stop! Honey! You're giving me a headache! … Look, there's a specialist in education law at the firm. I'll ask her what to do.

[Cut to comic store:] 

EPHRAM (in "ringer" style T-shirt): The guy who infected you? What happened?

COLIN (in muscle shirt, looking buffer than ever): He's dead, man. He's … gone.

[Cut to bedroom of loft condo:] 

BRIGHT (shirtless): We've got to stop this dude!

CARL (shirtless but with towel around his neck, covering much of his hairy chest): You mean **you've** got to stop him. **I've** got to catch a plane in the morning.

[Cut to diner:] 

HAROLD (sitting in booth, wearing half-open shirt with feather boa around his neck): I am **not** jealous of Andy!

ROSE (standing, wearing blouse with manager nametag on left side… and PFLAG button on right): Then why haven't you been on speaking terms with him since he dumped you for that rehab counselor?

HAROLD: You mean the one who almost got him killed once?

[Cut to bedroom of older apartment, where Ephram, looking through half-open bathroom door, sees Colin move left hand, which is holding syringe, under towel – which is all that's covering him in this scene, but it's enough – to inject unknown substance into his left butt cheek.]

***

Opening credits: Piano arpeggio interrupted, before violins can start, by that faux turntable scratch sound effect used in commercials, followed by distant punk rock voice yelling, "1, 2, 3, 4!"

[Cut to title visuals:] Miners swim team on gym floor at halftime of basketball game, wearing only sneakers and red spandex squarecut suits with gold stripes on sides, dance go-go style, making spy-movie and pool-style moves. (Yes, they keep suits on. I said go-go, not stripper. Ahem.) Pep band plays "Spunk" by Greek Buck (that na-na-na-naaaa-na-na song). Title flashes one word at a time between moves. Swimmers shout "Spunk!" at appropriate points in song. Closing shot: faces of confused parents in stands over synthesizer fade-out.

***


	3. Scene 1

[Cut to living room of modernistic, expensively furnished loft condo, with morning sun streaming in through metallic window blinds. Bright, wearing "fc*uk" T-shirt, slings backpack over shoulder and walks away from Carl, toward door.]

CARL (with pained smile, buttoning dress shirt as expensive suit hangs over chair): Have a good week at school, babe!

BRIGHT (pivoting on heel, then glaring at Carl): Yeah, like you even care! The dean wants to kick me out of the physical therapy program because **you** put up flyers for my massage services at the baths, while a cop who'd rather see us all **dead** is about to run for **mayor**, and all you can do is fly off on another frickin' business trip. We only see each other on weekends! Dammit, Carl, do you even care about us? Do you care about anything?

CARL (irritated): Hey, what do you think's keeping you in school in the first place?

BRIGHT: Well, if I have to depend on your handouts for grad school, then maybe I don't belong there!

CARL: Oh, and what else are you going to do, huh?

BRIGHT: I'll work my ass off! I'll save up some money and move back in with-

CARL: With who? With the musician who said he'd be monogamous and then cheated on you? Or with the family that kicked you out because of us?

BRIGHT (raising voice): They didn't kick me out! I moved out to be with you!

CARL (smiling): And you are! You got everything you wanted!

BRIGHT (shouting): I don't have anything I want! Because you're never! Here!

CARL (with pained smile, reaching toward Bright): Aw, come on, Bri-

BRIGHT: Shut up, Carl! (Pivots, stalks to door, opens it, walks through, and slams it shut.)


	4. Scene 2

[Cut to living room of older apartment with clean but well-used and hodgepodge furniture. Ephram, wearing "Morningwood Basketball" T-shirt under black denim jacket, walks in from bedroom without acknowledging Colin, who emerges from kitchen, wearing ribbed V-neck under corduroy jacket, after setting coffee cup in sink.]

COLIN (smirking): Someone's unusually quiet this morning.

EPHRAM (sullen): Someone's unusually interested.

COLIN (startled): What the hell's that supposed to mean?

EPHRAM (turning to face Colin): You think I don't know why you're spending all that time at the gym since you found out your ex died? You think I don't know why you look yourself over in the mirror 20 times a day? Or why you're so edgy, the least little thing turns you into the Hulk? Well, I figured it out. OK? I get it. Because news flash – I saw you last night. In the bathroom. Shooting! Up!

COLIN: You make it sound like I'm on heroin, man! It's medicine, OK?

EPHRAM: If steroids are medicine, then how come you don't get them at the pharmacy with all your other prescriptions? Huh? How come your university insurance doesn't pay for them? And how come you gotta pass cash to some guy in a corner of the locker room? You think it's gonna end there? What happens when your famous balls shrivel up, huh? What then?

COLIN (raising voice and sneering): Like you even knew what to do with them anyway!

EPHRAM: That's not what you said when you asked me to move in with you!

COLIN (shouting as he grabs Ephram by jacket and pushes him up against wall): You're pretty confident for a little man! You got a hell of a nerve judging me! You have no idea what it's like to live with this!

EPHRAM: I'm not judging you! I'm … (lowers voice) … I'm scared. For you. And I know you're scared too, or … or you wouldn't be doing this. 

COLIN (letting go of Ephram, looking scared and embarrassed): Hey, man, I … I'm … I'm sorry, I … honey, please, I …

EPHRAM (putting hands on Colin's biceps): Look, I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to get all up in your grill about it. I just … I miss the way you used to be. Not that long ago. When you smiled and … meant it. And you were here at night. With me. I … I miss you, OK?

COLIN (smiling): OK. Hey, you got a store to run, and I got classes to teach, right?

EPHRAM (smiling): Right. "Homoeroticism in Literature."

COLIN: You're their favorite guest speaker.

EPHRAM: So. See you tonight? Maybe before dark?

COLIN: Definitely. (Pulls Ephram toward him, and they kiss on lips.)

***


	5. Scene 3

[Cut to diner, with morning sunlight streaming in windows all around. Andy, wearing pawprint T-shirt from local "bears" club under leather vest, sits in booth with arm around … Wendell, whom he met after series of drug-fueled orgies, taped without his consent, landed him in rehab.]

WENDELL: I'm telling you, our charities have to quit relying on circuit parties for fund-raising. That whole scene is so destructive. And I don't mean "Fraternity Life 7" destructive, I mean, like "Son of Road Warrior Meets Clone of Terminator" destructive. We're all gonna be deader than those Y2K boy bands.

ANDY (smiling): Your thoughts aren't the only thing that exhausts me.

WENDELL (chuckling): Imagine what they do to me. But you didn't seem to mind last night.

ANDY: Did I say I minded? (Leans in for quick kiss.)

[Bell jingles. Bright walks in door. Rose, standing behind counter, sees him and smiles.]

ROSE: Hey, sunshine! What's the matter?

BRIGHT (pouting as he walks around counter): Carl and I had another fight.

ROSE (worried): Again? What about?

BRIGHT: With everything that's going on with me and school … and this town … he's going off on **another** business trip. All week. As usual. 

ROSE: Well, he does travel a lot for that consulting firm of his. You knew that when you moved in with him, honey.

BRIGHT (putting on waiter's apron): Yeah, but … it's like he doesn't want to deal with me or the community or … anything. Just because I'm younger doesn't mean my … my feelings don't count. It's like … like he's … running away or something.

ROSE (nodding resolutely): Well, speaking of community, we got a diner full of customers, so put on your game face. (Smiles.) And remember, we're here for you.

BRIGHT (smiling): I know. And thanks. (Hugs Rose, then walks over to Andy and Wendell's booth.)

ANDY (still facing Wendell and smiling obliviously): It was destiny that brought us together.

BRIGHT (laughing and rolling eyes): And what should destiny bring you two for breakfast this morning?

[Bell on door jingles.]

HAROLD (walking in, wearing slinky lycra shirt, half open, with lavender scarf around neck, singing): Iiii'm just a giiirl who caaan't saaay noooo …

ROSE (smiling): Good morning, Harold!

HAROLD: Morning, Rose. (Walks around corner of counter and stops in his tracks when he sees Andy with Wendell.) You!

ANDY (smiling): Morning, Harold! Care to join us?

HAROLD: I'd rather sit in the deep fryer with the breaded chicken pieces and fish sticks! At least I wouldn't have to listen to your lovesick prattle.

WENDELL: Dude, have I got an anger management group for-

HAROLD: (Turns to Wendell.) Oh, don't even get me started on your psychobabble flavor of the month. If you people had your way, we'd all spend all our waking hours in your … support groups! Or waiting in line at the pharmacy for Prozac! (Faces Andy again.) And you! Have you no shame?

ANDY (puzzled): Harold?

HAROLD: Look, I can forgive your suddenly mooning over me after years of a perfectly distant, platonic friendship and wanting to date and move in together. I can forgive your humiliating both of us with your arrest. And your bankruptcy. Hell, I can even forgive your running off to God knows where with that dealer of yours and his freaky friends. But now you parade around here, in front of everybody, with your newly reformed circuit boy, and expect us all to welcome you both with open arms? Well, I don't think so! Some of us still have memories, and we're not about to sweep everything under the disco rug!

BRIGHT: I don't under-

HAROLD [turns to face Bright]: Of course you don't! You're not smart enough!

ROSE: Harold! How dare you talk to-

HAROLD [turns to face Rose]: Well, I don't have to stand here and take this!

ROSE: You don't have to stand here at all! And don't think you're getting any free lemon bars either! (Turns to table as Harold storms out of diner.) Honestly, sometimes I think he enjoys being the most despised man in Everwood.

BRIGHT (puzzled): More than Chief Whatsisface?

WENDELL (smiling): You're coming to the meeting tomorrow night, right, dude? We are so gonna kick this bastard's ass!

ANDY (beaming): That's my boyfriend.

[Rose and Bright look at each other and roll eyes.]

***


	6. Scene 4

[Cut to law office. Laynie ducks into doorway and knocks on door frame. Nina, sitting behind desk – hey, I needed someone for this role, and she fit better here than as the cop dating Rose – looks up. Besides, don't you think Nina could've been a lawyer if she hadn't married … uh, back to the story.]

NINA (smiling): Laynie! I take it you're not here to reminisce about the Dykes on Bykes springing you out of boarding school.

LAYNIE (walking in, smiling gratuitously, and rolling eyes): I wish. (Sits in one of chairs facing desk.) The preschool wants to put Ross on Ritalin.

NINA (wincing): Oh nooooo ….

LAYNIE: And they're threatening to expel him if we don't agree.

NINA (shaking head): Well, they're messing with the wrong moms. They do know you're a lawyer, right?

LAYNIE: Well, I haven't passed out business cards, but they did interview us before they admitted him.

NINA: Well, they have no authority to make ultimatums like that. How soon do you need something?

LAYNIE: We're supposed to meet with them Thursday.

NINA: I'll have precedents for you by Wednesday.

LAYNIE (smiling): Thanks.

NINA: How's Amy taking it?

LAYNIE: Her Highness wants someone's head to roll, as usual. I'd say something about blondes, but …

NINA: She may be a princess, but as a blonde, she's no match for a biker with power tools. [Laynie and Nina laugh out loud.] Besides, she's good to you. And Ross. She just -

LAYNIE: Doesn't understand those of us who weren't born with perfect skin?

NINA: Who can't plan an entire party while hyperventilating?

LAYNIE: Don't sweat it. (Leans in.) And don't ever tell her this, but … I love seeing her sweat. In more ways than one.

***


	7. Scene 5

[Cut to funky but busy comic store, in afternoon, with Ephram behind counter, giving change to anonymous customer, who turns and walks away as door opens and Colin walks in.]

EPHRAM (startled, smiling): Hey!

COLIN (smirking): Hey! I canceled office hours. Nobody comes in Mondays unless I have a quiz scheduled for Tuesday, and I don't even have one Thursday.

EPHRAM (puzzled): What about the gym? Or hoops on the playground?

COLIN (chuckling): They can find a sub for once. Besides … (shrugs and flashes eyebrows up and down) I think I have some house cleaning to do.

[Ephram smiles at Colin as door opens and two tomboyish 18-year-olds walk in. With matching vests, tattoos .. and mullets.]

EPHRAM (almost dropping jaw as he recognizes one of visitors): Delia??

DELIA (grinning): Ephram!

EPHRAM (walks out from behind counter, hugs Delia, and turns toward Colin again): You remember …

COLIN (laughing): Of course I do! You think the amnesia thing was permanent? (Turns to face Delia's companion.) And you are …

DELIA (beaming): This is Star, my androgynous transgender lover.

STAR (shrugging and chuckling): Originally intersex, but after an unsuccessful career at boarding school …

EPHRAM (puzzled): You do look kind of …

STAR: The artist formerly known as Stuart. Or Magilla.

DELIA: The one who stole my Dodgers cap.

EPHRAM: The one Mom gave you? (Turns to Star.) You're lucky we didn't meet then.

STAR (smirking): Yeah. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

EPHRAM (closing eyes and putting hand over face): Oh, please, don't start quoting Canadians.

COLIN (laughing and patting Ephram on back): You know, we could've been married by now if we'd just …

EPHRAM (uncovering face and turning toward Colin): Like it'd do us any good when we got home.

COLIN (smirking): I was thinking, though … (glancing toward Delia and Star) … will all this "genderqueer" and "genderfuck" around … plain old gay is getting kind of … boring. 

EPHRAM (smirking): Well, we'll have to see what we can do about that … won't we?

STAR (turning toward Delia): I think they want to be … alone for a while.

DELIA (smiling): No problem. We can go check out that adult toy store down the street!

STAR (grinning, wide-eyed): You mean, so you can finally …

DELIA (grinning): Yeah!

EPHRAM (drily, facing Delia): Overshare. So. You still have your key? Remember how to open up the sleeper sofa?

DELIA (rolls eyes): Of course, silly! See you later! [Delia and Star exit, grinning. Ephram and Colin look at each other and grin.]

***

[Cut to Ephram and Colin's bedroom. **TO CHANGE RATING, INSERT SEX SCENE WITH FULL NUDITY HERE.** In an actual "Queer as Folk" episode there would be about five of these. Maybe six. In one hour. You know, A puts this here, B puts that there, moan, grunt, "Oh yeah!" expletive, expletive, you know the drill. Yeah, right. Like we really get that much. Well, maybe we do some weekends, but … without the visuals, it's … well … anyway. Write it yourself, I'm busy. Hehehe.]

***


	8. Scenes 6 & 7

[Cut to diner, early evening. Tables more or less full, just like at poetry reading in "Turf Wars" or following episode. Two female singers at microphones, with tattoos and bracelets and vests, oh my. Amy and Laynie sit in booth, side by side.]

AMY: You're sure Nina can get all the legal stuff lined up?

LAYNIE: It's what she does, hon. What, you think she should be at the office tonight instead of watching Ross?

AMY: No, I'm … glad we finally got a night out. (Smiles perky little smile that only makes her more annoying. Sorry.) 

LAYNIE: Me too. (Looks up, startled to see Andy and Wendell.) Dr. Brown?

ANDY (smiling, obliviously as usual): Hi, Amy! Laynie! Wendell thought the bars weren't the best environment for me right now, so we came here.

[Amy and Laynie look at each other and roll eyes as Andy and Wendell sit down across from them.]

WENDELL (smiling, then puzzled as he looks at stage): Is that …

AMY (nodding): Kayla and Paige.

LAYNIE: It's from their self-released CD, "To My Lover's Lover's Lover's Lover."

WENDELL: Oooh, bitter, huh?

AMY: Yeah, they're lesbians now, but they're still annoying.

***

[Cut to cavernous, dimly lit dance club, long after dark. Thumping house music, go-go boys, overpriced drinks, guys dancing without shirts, etc. It's Everlon! You know, Everwood's fabulous after-hours club? What, you thought they really had places like Babylon in Pittsburgh? Uh, sure. Or you thought I'd put a bar in the PCHS gym? Ha! Anyway. Welcome to Everlon. Ooo-ooh. Yeaa-aaah. Thump thump thump … ]

EPHRAM (standing at bar with bottled beer, facing Colin): Well, I guess that settles who just can't get enough.

COLIN (laughs): Does it? (Looks up.) Hey, Bright!

BRIGHT (subdued): Hey, dudes.

COLIN: You been down all day, man. What's up?

BRIGHT: Besides my dad thinking I'm a moron? And my lover being out of town?

COLIN: Well, one of those could be conve- (Catches Ephram's eye.) Uh, never mind. 

EPHRAM: And my dad and I aren't exactly …

BRIGHT: Tell me about it.

COLIN: Hey, hang in there, man. We … (looks up, startled) 

HAROLD: Hello, boys. 

EPHRAM: We'll excuse our-

BRIGHT (pointing toward Harold with his eyes): There's no excuse for him.

HAROLD (wincing): Bright, I -

BRIGHT: Save it. School's not our thing. Never was.

HAROLD: I know, but-

BRIGHT: Look, Carl's what he is, but … he hasn't pretended to be anything else. At least … not with me. I never expected anything more from him than I got. And I … I gave up needing anything from you a long time ago, so … 

HAROLD: Bright …

CARL (walking up from behind, grinning): Hey, beautiful!

BRIGHT (turning around): Carl?!

CARL: The client had no requirements defined, so I would've wasted a week, and .. well, hell, I've wasted a lot of weeks on clueless clients, but … I missed, you, B! I couldn't go through the week thinking we … I mean … I can't stand the thought of you … me … we .. not … I mean …

BRIGHT (reaches hand out, grabs Carl's chin, pulls it toward him): Shut up, Carl. (Leans in and kisses Carl. Ephram and Colin roll eyes. Harold hangs head and walks away.)

[Zoom out and pan view of club. Fade in DJ ComaBoi dance mix of "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence. (OK, I made that up. But if you know any good remixers, I have an idea.) Fade in closing credits.]

[SERIES NARRATOR'S VOICE OVER CLOSING CREDITS:] Stay tuned for scenes from the next "Queer as Everwood" …]


	9. Closing Credits and Coming Attractions

[Credits roll as scenes play in picture-within-picture window.]

[Cut to diner. Morning. Andy and Wendell sit in booth, across from Carl and Bright. Wendell, facing door, sees Nina smiling at cash register as she picks up takeout order. Rose turns around, smiling without seeing Wendell watching her and Nina.]  

WENDELL: That's the fourth day this week she's gotten extra lemon bars free.

BRIGHT (brow furrowed): Dude, you don't think - [Wendell smiles, shrugs.]

[Cut to living room. Daylight.]

AMY: If you want another one so bad, you go through the nine months! And the labor. And the 3 o'clock feedings. And the career detour. And … I go back to work.

LAYNIE: Fine! We've discussed all that. Now … who do we want to be the donor?

AMY: Well, if they're going to be siblings, don't you think they should both have the same father?

LAYNIE: Him again? Are you crazy?

AMY: Well, that leaves only one choice, doesn't it?

[Cut to that tavern where Everwoodians meet late at night, looking like Woody's … which it would anyway if they turned some lights on. Early evening. Football on TV, '80s music playing in background … and bear banners hanging from the rafters. Stuffed bears in leather vests strategically placed. It's bear night. Woof if you see anyone woofy. In Everwood. Besides Andy. Yeah, right.]

WENDELL (left hand around Andy's left shoulder, right hand patting front of Andy's right shoulder): You sure you're ready for this? It could be kind of …

ANDY: I met that crowd at Everlon, not here. This isn't their scene.

WENDELL: I know, but … these dudes can get pretty frisky later.

ANDY: We won't be here that … (Breaks into smile.) Wait, are you … jealous?

[Cut to office of social service agency. Ephram and Colin, looking earnest, sit in chairs facing caseworker's desk.]

CASEWORKER: There's a reason teenagers are hard to place. He's been bounced from foster home to foster home for years.

EPHRAM: We're aware of the responsibility. And the commitment.

CASEWORKER: It's not just that. He has emotional and behavioral disorders. He's been suspended from school and run away to Denver. Twice. And you know what happens to boys his age on the street.

COLIN: Does this boy have a name?

CASEWORKER (tartly): Yes. (Slides photo of blond boy with messy hair across desk and turns photo to face Colin.) Sam.

[Credits finish. Cut to Snowtime logo.]

END


End file.
